Do Your Thanksgiving Traditions Include Arguing and Hurt Feelings?

Here are 5 tips for making it through the Holidays without losing your mind:

1. Plan Ahead

This is the big one. So many people just try to put it out of their mind until the last minute, in order to avoid worrying about the usual holiday friction. But it’s actually way better to plan ahead so you don’t feel like you are at the mercy of everyone else’s moods and ideas. The fact that you are reading this article means you are already meeting the challenge head on, not burying your head in the sand. Give yourself some credit— You are already light-years ahead of all those folks who plan to just chug the eggnog in order to cope with all the togetherness…

2. Take Good Care of Yourself Beforehand

Now is a good time to make sure you get enough sleep. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

Getting enough sleep (8-9 hours!) is the BEST thing you can do to improve your mood.

It’s SO simple, yet so easily neglected. Make sleep a priority, or everything else will suffer. If you are staying up late, trying to cram in work and errands before you head home for the holidays, it will be much harder to regulate your emotions. When you finally do get back home and try to deal with all the crazy dynamics of a family that only gets together a few times every year, it will be a lot easier if you are well-rested. Click here for more ideas about how to get a good night’s sleep over the holidays, and here to learn how you might already be accidentally sabotaging your sleep.

3.  Schedule in Some “Me Time”

You may want to coordinate with other family members on this one. What are everyone’s expectations? Will you all spend the entire day together? Doing what, exactly—cooking, eating, playing games, watching the game, engaging in conversation, playing with nieces and nephews? What is everyone’s vision for the day(s)? You don’t have to agree with them, but knowing what everyone else expects will help you schedule your own activities in a way that causes the least amount of friction.

Here are some important things to schedule into the day, especially if you are planning on spending the entire day with people you don’t often see.

·      Exercise- do some yoga in your room, take a walk, go for a run, go to the gym for a quick workout, maybe with some family members who also need a break.

·      Break time—this could mean running out for that butter you ran out of, taking the dog for a walk, taking the kids to the park for an hour, or just going for a walk around the block to clear your head. Plan for a break in the middle of the day at some point. Your family may even be receptive to having a “family break”, where everyone splits up for an hour to do something on their own. My adult kids sometimes go out to smoke a joint—they don’t think I know. Just sayin’.

·      Friends— If you want to see old friends while you are back home this is way easier if you schedule it in advance. It doesn’t have to be a firm plan, but tentative plans to meet up with someone for coffee before all the madness begins, or to walk your dogs together after dinner is a lot more likely to happen if you touch base ahead of time.

4.  Have Clear Boundaries.

This is HUGE. Know where your limits are! Practice deflecting…

·      How much you are willing to talk about your personal life? “Gee, Uncle Joe, I’m not completely sure of my next move right now. I’d love to hear more about your job, though; what do you like best about it?”

·      How much are you willing to talk about your relationship? “Sam and I are doing great; What was it like when you and Uncle John decided to get married?” or, “No, there’s nobody special right now. I’ve been planning this great trip to Portugal next year, have you ever been there?”

·      How much are you willing to talk about any other sensitive subject— “Well, Sue, thanks for asking but I really don’t want to talk about that right now. I am looking for some ideas for this next year and I’d love to know what you thought was most rewarding thing you’ve done recently.” Try not to take all those intrusive questions personally. It’s tough, but not impossible.

·      A Word About Politics: Don’t.

Some of my clients have specifically asked their family to agree not to talk about politics when they are together over the holidays, but often families can’t even agree not to engage. This leaves them with several options: 1.Don’t go home (not a popular choice), 2.Engage in a political discussion and likely get angry (not a great choice) 3. Leave when the discussion begins (not totally terrible, if you tell them that you need a break because you can’t discuss things calmly), or 4. Stay close by but don’t engage—clean up the kitchen, play with the kids, throw a frisbee with the dog in the back yard. Think beforehand about what you want to do, so that you aren’t deciding in the moment, when feelings are running hot.

5.  Have a Partner-in-Crime.

If you are going home alone, plan ahead with a cousin, a sibling, or even a close friend who is also home for the holidays. Give each other an escape if you are really going nuts. Excusing yourself to make that call to your friend across the country who needs a check-in is also a good idea if there’s no one on site on whom you can rely.

If you are going home with your actual partner, please, please, please have a discussion ahead of time about what each of you imagines the challenges of the holidays at home will be. Generally the one whose family you are seeing feels unfairly torn- they are trying to be on their partner’s side, but they also want their partner to be accepting and love their family. Even when they think their family is crazy, it can be hard to hear it from their partner. Give them a chance to tell you how they feel. You don’t have to solve this, just listen.

If it’s your family that you are visiting, your partner may feel like they are never good enough. You may even be surprised to hear that they feel that way! Give them a chance to tell you how hard it is for them to be “odd man out” when it comes to your family. A little listening goes a long way. Plan a break together. Having a little break during the day to look forward to can really help partners withstand the friction of family holidays. Make sure you have at least 30-60 minutes each day where you are alone with each other.

Holidays are complicated. As a therapist, it’s one of my busiest times of the year. The week before people leave to head home is full of both anxiety and excitement. Everyone wants it to be wonderful, and everyone knows that it never actually is. There will be good times and bad—adjust your expectations, plan ahead, and let yourself enjoy as much as you can!

 Do You Need Some Extra Help Figuring Out How to Keep From Going Crazy This Holiday Season?

You are not alone!! Figuring it all out on your own is tough, and a lot of folks can use some extra support around the holidays. I would love to talk to you about your specific situation and how I can help! You can call me at 323-999-1537 or shoot me an email at amy@thrivetherapyla.com, and we will schedule your free in-office or phone consultation. I want you to enjoy your holidays this year!