Why Online Dating Sucks, And How You Can Make It Better!

1. Expectations

Do you have a list of what you are looking for in a partner? C’mon now, be honest.

Maybe it’s not written down, but most people have a list in their head of all the things they think are important. Maybe yours goes like this: good-looking, smart, successful, athletic, tall, the “right” age. Maybe your subconscious list also has: no crazy ex-girlfriends, lives nearby, drives a luxury car, and, of course, responds immediately to my texts with appropriate sentiments and emojis.

So many guys are discouraged before they even start. They know you have these lists and they are afraid they can’t measure up. They don’t want to reach out because they are sure they will fail. When they finally get up the courage to contact you, maybe it’s only with a low-risk, “Hey, how are you?”. Don’t shoot these guys down. Give them at least a minimal chance to show you who they really are. You don’t have to date them for months, just respond with kindness and curiosity and see where it goes. And if they are one of those guys who sends out 10 million queries and never responds to 95% of them, then don’t take it personally. Just move on. There are so many more guys to meet!

2. Stretching the Truth (cough)

Guys complain all the time that women post unrealistic photos. Since guys are known for making much of their decision in the first place based on your photo, this is not only very disappointing to them, but they feel tricked. It’s not a feeling that makes them want to trust you. Or date you.

Be yourself. That way, the guy who asks you out will be attracted to that person, the real you, and not some fake image of someone you would really like to be. Besides, what most guys really want to see is a genuine smile. They want to know you are the kind of person they could make happy. Yes, it seems simplistic, but it’s true!

This applies to everything on your profile, not just the photo. Be yourself. Many people are afraid that this means they will get way fewer responses to their profile, and I say, “That’s great!” That means that all those guys who wouldn’t like you anyway, are not going to waste your time with a few meaningless dates. You will only have to spend time getting to know guys who have the potential to be a good match!

That being said, there’s nothing wrong with good lighting and a cute outfit.

3.Texting

One of the biggest dating mistakes happens because of texting.

I really dislike texting for any communication beyond scheduling, because so many messages are so easily misunderstood.

It is so easy to make assumptions about someone when you are communicating mainly via texting. Because you don’t know them yet, you don’t know their texting style. You don’t know if they are normally slow to respond, or if they are just very busy at work today, or if they are intentionally avoiding responding because they don’t really like you. But guess which one you usually assume is true??

What happens next is that you commit a dating mistake that drives guys nuts: The snarky response.

It’s hard to just put yourself out there and say, “Hey, are we still going out tonight? I’ve been looking forward to it!” What if they say no? What if they don’t respond? I will look like an idiot! So, instead you say, “Hey, I guess you found something better to do tonight”. Texts like this will make you feel more powerful (You showed them!) but they will also alienate the guy who is simply bad at planning or doesn’t think he needs to follow up on plans you’ve already made. He may be intending to text you late in the afternoon to tell you what time he can meet up. He may be tied up at work and not know when his meeting will end so he will be free to leave. Your snarky text will probably be the last one you will exchange, and you will have lost an opportunity to get to know a nice guy who simply sucks at planning. (Is this redundant? I sometimes wonder…)

If you talk on the phone you can hear tone, and that makes all the difference. Talking in person adds body language and facial cues to the mix, which leads to even more clarity. Not only will you understand the other person better in person, but you will have an immediate chance to correct anything that you might not understand. You will hear and see when the tone or the facial expression doesn’t match the words, and you can ask for clarification. This leads to fewer faulty assumptions, and so much less spinning out wondering what they meant by that last statement.

I encourage my clients to communicate by actually talking on the phone or face-to-face IRL. It’s simply a much better way of communicating. My clients who make this switch are always surprised at how much less anxiety they feel about communication.

4.Micromanaging

So now you’ve gotten past texting and you are meeting for an actual date.

A lot of us have great ideas (and strong opinions!) about where to go, what to do, and when to leave. (Not to mention how to dress!) Guys are often unaware of our brilliance, and will try to plan something without asking our opinion. If this happens to you, be glad that you have at least found a guy who makes plans! If they plan something that doesn’t absolutely thrill you, you have 2 choices: 1. You can let them know what would have make it better (also known as focusing on the negative), or 2. You can look hard to find all the things you like about what they planned, and do your best to focus on those things instead.

Guess which one of those gets you more dates?

Guess which one of those gets you a partner who never plans anything because he feels like he can never get anything right?

Instead of asking yourself how the date could have been better, consider what kind of relationship you want to have in the long run!

Caveat: apparently these rules don’t apply once you are married—just ask my husband! I guess this is something I could work on myself…

5. The Talk

You’ve been dating for a few weeks now, and are wondering where you stand.

So many women want to know right away if a guy likes them or not. Guess what? They don’t even know you! They don’t even know themselves if they like you! And be honest, you don’t yet know if you really like them, you just want to be sure they like you.

This is a totally human feeling! We all want to be liked! But ask yourself how many times you have agonized over a guy that you aren’t even sure you like that much? We all do it, so don’t beat yourself up about it, just try to change your pattern.

Why do guys hate it when you do this? Because 9 times out of 10, it is the girl who wants to have The Talk. As in, “Where do we stand?”, or, “What do we call ourselves?” This almost always makes them feel trapped, even if they like you a lot.

Instead, do your best to survive in the land of “Not Knowing How to Introduce Him”. Eventually it will be awkward enough that you will have to decide together how to introduce each other, but until then it probably won’t feel great. Trust me, you’ll survive it.

Conclusion:

I have yet to talk to anyone who really loves online dating, and most people actually dread it. If you are searching to find just about any reason not to go online, you are not alone!

There are things you can do to make the whole process less horrible, and to increase your chances of making a good match. You can meet your partner online—I met my husband online, as have many of my friends and clients— and you can, too!

Could You Use Some Extra Support With Dating?

I can help! My clients find that having the objective viewpoint and support of a therapist can get them through those anxious times spent worrying about what they said, what they did, what they wore, and whether they are ever going to hear from this person again. They get tools to help them feel confident and to tolerate the uncertainty that is inherent in the dating process. Best of all, when they do find that special person, they learn how to create the healthy, supportive, and loving relationship they desire and deserve!

Call me at 323-999-1537, or email me at amy@thrivetherapyla.com to set up your free phone or in-office consultation. We’ll talk about your specific situation and how I can help you navigate dating, relationships, and, oh…life. I look forward to talking to you soon!