5 Ways to Reduce Your Stress and Find Your Calm 

I am an anxiety and relationship therapist, so people often come into my office and say things like “I’m an anxious person”. Many people believe that they were just “born that way”. That their anxiety or their sensitivity is part of their character, and therefore something that cannot be changed.

But we have long known that we can “tune” our nervous systems to be more or less sensitive; more or less responsive; irritable or happy. The more we “practice” one of these emotional styles, the more our brain learns to behave that way.

How did I get this way in the first place?

Much of your emotional style set in long before you were aware of it. It could have even begun in utero, when your mother transferred her stress hormones to you through your shared blood supply.

Your emotional style is most likely a combination of innate tendencies and environment though. Your parents certainly modeled their own emotional style, for better or worse. What was going on in the family and even the world when you were a child can have a strong effect on your temperament. Renowned addiction specialist Dr. Gabor Maté tells the poignant story of his birth in Hungary at the beginning of World War II. When he was one week old, his mother called the doctor about his incessant crying. The doctor told her that all Jewish babies were crying non-stop. Even an infant will know when the world is falling apart. Especially an infant will know when the world is falling apart.

So is this just the way I am?

Not at all! Brains have plasticity and can be changed with training. Even people who have suffered severe strokes that wiped out parts of their brains have been known to train other parts of their brains to fill in the gaps. Neuroanatomist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor describes her own personal experience retraining her brain after experiencing a stroke in 1996.

So how can we train our brains to be less reactive and more calm and happy?

Retraining your brain to use different pathways in the presence of external stress can be simple, but it’s certainly not easy. Anything you’ve done a certain way for most of your life is hard to retrain, even when you’re not stressed out. Have you ever struggled to remember to put your keys by the door when you return home? Is there a certain time of day you always want a snack? If you pay attention, I bet you would see that you dry off the same way each time after you shower. Even the simplest patterns can be challenging to re-train.

Here are 3 steps to get you started creating your own “Stress Vaccine”

1.Monitor Your Expectations

Stress is often the result when reality doesn’t match our expectations. You may have little control over reality (a cranky boss, problematic visit with the in-laws, global pandemic…) but you can control the other half of the equation—your expectations.

Before entering a particularly stressful environment, take a moment to think about your expectations. You are probably stressed out because of what might happen, but what is actually likely to happen? Those are your expectations.

Now anticipate what could go wrong (what might happen) and plan what you would do in that event. NYU psychology professor Gabriele Oettingen has studied this process extensively, and she finds that when people plan for the contingencies, their success rate is significantly higher. Consistent success in any given situation is going to reduce your stress.

Being prepared for contingencies will reduce what I call “meta-anxiety”. That is, anxiety about your anxiety. Think about it—if you have a big Zoom presentation coming up, the anxiety beforehand (meta) is usually much worse than the anxiety you feel in the actual moment. This meta-anxiety can be considerably reduced by managing your expectations and planning for any contingencies.

2. Be Present

Mindfulness is an age-old practice that has recently gained a lot of popularity. Mindfulness has been shown to improve both physical and mental health, to reduce stress and improve mood.

How do I “do mindfulness”?

You can practice mindful meditation, and/or mindfulness, in your daily life. Mindful meditation is simply the practice of meditating with a single focus, like your breath, and bringing your mind back to focusing on the breath when you notice your mind wandering.

My clients often complain that they “suck at meditation” because their mind wanders away every 2 seconds when they are meditating. Actually, this just means that they get a LOT of practice noticing and redirecting their wandering thoughts—which is the purpose of the meditation in the first place!

The magic starts to happen in your daily life when you notice your mind wandering, and then bring it back to the present moment, as you have been practicing in your meditation.

Of course, in order to pay attention to the present moment, you need to be focused on the task at hand, not distracting yourself with a podcast or audiobook. This is the part where I always get push-back.

“But Amy”, you say. “I hate doing dishes. It’s way better if I’m listening to a podcast!” Actually, the research surprisingly shows that people are in a better mood afterward when they were paying attention to the task at hand, even if the task itself is unpleasant. Yes, you read that right. Paying full attention to unpleasant tasks will leave you happier than if you try to distract yourself.

Does this mean that I should never listen to podcasts or audiobooks? Certainly not! But it does mean that you should make a conscious choice when you do, and don’t automatically assume that it will be more enjoyable if you try to ignore what you are actually doing.

3.Get Enough Sleep!

When we get stressed, sleep is often the first thing to suffer, which sets in motion a vicious cycle of being stressed, and getting even less sleep, and being even more stressed.

For better or worse, one of the best things you can do to improve your ability to manage the stress in your life is to get enough sleep. When you are tired, you are much less likely to respond to things the way you want to. There’s a reason that we might say “tired and cranky” and not “tired and happy”!

According to the CDC, 1 in 3 Americans does not get enough sleep. In many situations, staying up all night is a badge of honor; the way you show your dedication to something. This is an unfortunate cultural practice. Being low on sleep affects both our mental and physical health, and even the way we look. This one simple change can have a much bigger impact on your mood than you probably realize. Why not try getting 8 hours of sleep every night for just one week to see if it makes a difference for you?

Sometimes we want to sleep, but struggle to fall asleep, or to stay asleep. If this is the case, you should definitely check with your doctor to see if there are any physical reasons for this. You can also make sure you are following what is called “good sleep hygiene”. Room-darkening shades, turning off screens 2 hours before bedtime, and cooling the room are just some of the things you can do to improve the quality of your sleep. Read this for more info about getting a good night’s sleep.

4.Exercise

Exercise is important not only for your physical health, but also for your mental health. It can be more challenging to get enough exercise during this global pandemic and in quarantine. The gym is closed, yoga classes are only online, and it’s a 2-month wait for a Peleton, even if you can afford one. But it’s still worth the effort to get some exercise if you want to improve your mental health! One of the best ways to build a habit of exercising is to do it with other people. Make a promise to a friend to meet for a socially distanced run, or for an online fitness class. Even just walking around the neighborhood at the end of the day with your partner or neighbor can have a positive effect on your physical and mental health - so don’t worry if you’re not training for a marathon.

5.Nature

Studies have shown there are positive mental and physical effects from spending as little as 20 minutes in nature. The Japanese have a practice called shinrin-yoku, or “forest bathing”, where people walk slowly around in nature to reduce stress and enjoy a feeling of calm connection.

Nature is one place it may be easier to destress during these days of covid quarantine. You can sit in a park, go for a walk on the beach, or go on a hike. Even sitting quietly in your garden is a great way to take a healthy break in your day (and give you some healthy Vitamin D!)

Of course there is no “stress vaccine” you can get in the form of a shot from your doctor. But if you follow the above suggestions, you will find that the stress that exists in the world around you will have less of a detrimental effect on your mood and your life.

Still Feeling Overwhelmed and Stressed-Out?

The world is a bit upside-down these days, and most people find all the uncertainty very stressful. Therapists everywhere are talking about how the stress levels in the average person have skyrocketed during COVID-19, so if you are feeling the strain, you aren’t alone!

Individual therapy can help you manage the stressors particular to your own life so that you can find your calm, get unstuck, and figure out how to move forward in your life in the midst of all this craziness! Most of my clients report feeling calmer and more hopeful even at the end of our first session. Call or email me for a FREE 20-minute consultation where we discuss how I can help you learn to manage the stress in your life too!