What To Do When You’re Tired of Pretending You Aren’t Together

 Looks Like a Duck, Walks Like a Duck…

Lately I have been hearing a lot about “relationships that aren’t relationships”. In other words, you spend all your time together, and are physically and emotionally intimate, but the other person says “We are not in a relationship!” Sometimes this relationship is kept secret, and friends and family don’t even know about it. You are not “allowed” to put up pictures of the two of you on social media.

Let’s be clear—this IS a relationship in the true sense of the word. Two people who regularly interact with each other in a certain pattern are in a relationship. You have a relationship with your friends, your family, your boss, your neighbors. The question simply is, what kind of relationship is this that you have with each other? You are in an intimate relationship. Is it committed? Sounds like it isn’t. Is it monogamous? You might not know for sure.

Maybe they have “commitment issues”. Or maybe it’s not you they really want. But does it really make a difference? Especially if you are keeping your relationship a secret, this dynamic is not healthy and will eat away at what is left of your self-esteem.

Don’t you deserve to be with someone who knows they want to be with you?

Let me be clear; I am not talking about relationships where you are openly “together”, but you want an engagement or some other kind of “forever” commitment. I am talking about relationships where one person claims you aren’t even in a relationship. This is an unhealthy relationship dynamic, and is unfair to the person who wants to be honest about what is actually happening—namely, you.

In my therapy practice I see a lot of people who are in unhealthy relationships. How do you know if your relationship is unhealthy? It makes you feel bad about yourself.

Maybe your person has had other relationships in the past, so you figure that this time it must be your fault. The truth is, you don’t really know what those other relationships were like. People who have healthy relationships don’t usually then choose to have unhealthy ones. Chances are that the other relationships were not any better than yours, even if they talk about it very nostalgically.

Even if your un-relationship is with someone you really care about, who is a good person, and in whom you can just see the potential, remember that it’s not making you feel good right now!

If you know in your heart that you deserve to be with someone who is great AND wants to be with you in a committed relationship, this situation just won’t be good enough. When you find that clarity, that calm sense of “knowing”, the other person will realize that if they are going to ever commit to you, now is the time. And if they don’t, you really won’t even want to stay.

How do you get to that place of knowing in your heart?

It’s easier said than done. Many of us have negative thoughts in our heads that tell us we don’t deserve a truly healthy relationship. That this person who won’t commit to us is the best we will ever get. Individual psychotherapy can help you change these unhealthy internal messages, and that can be life-changing. I have seen this happen over and over in my practice, and these clients go on to create relationships that are loving and supportive.

I know my relationship is unhealthy, but I just can’t leave!

Maybe you already know that your relationship is unhealthy, but are having trouble getting out of it. This situation is very common, even though when it’s happening to you, it always feels like you are the only one who ever had this problem. It’s embarrassing and confusing.

“Why can’t I just forget about them?” is something I hear every day in my therapy practice.

The reason we can’t get out of unhealthy relationships is usually that we received similar toxic messages when we were very young, and it feels familiar and reasonable. Far too many people believe that being treated like crap is what love is supposed to look like.

It might be fairly subtle. You feel invisible. Your opinion doesn’t matter. You are made fun of. Any disagreements are always your fault. You are always trying to please them but they are never trying to please you.

You try to be “better” so that they will listen to you, care about your opinions, notice everything you do. So they will commit.

How’s that working for you?

Chances are, when you were a young child you learned that it was up to you to earn love. You weren’t worthy of love unless you performed well, succeeded in school, were the star of the team, took care of your mom/dad/sisters/brothers, etc. Maybe you just learned that your needs don’t matter so your best bet was to keep your head down and stay under the radar. You may have gotten this message so loud and clear that you don’t even know any more what you want. After all, why bother knowing what you want if you are never going to get it?

Gaslighting

Maybe you get so frustrated and feel so hurt because your “person” doesn’t want to acknowledge you, or spend time with you, or consider your needs, that you lash out and send nasty text messages or call them names. Now they tell you that of course they can’t commit to you when you are acting so crazy—it’s your fault. This is one version of what we call “gaslighting”, and it really does make you feel crazy. You might even begin to believe it yourself. This is psychological warfare. You know something is wrong, and you feel terrible, but you don’t know what’s happening. It’s confusing and hurtful. And compelling.

Gaslighting is so compelling because the person doing it to you is playing into your own deep insecurities. They may not be doing this intentionally, they may not be a terrible person, but even so this dynamic is extremely toxic. If you feel this way, please get some therapy to help you out of this downward spiral. Feel free to reach out to me at amy@thrivetherapyla.com even if you aren’t in California, and I will be happy to help you find a therapist in your state. (We can only practice therapy in the state in which we are licensed)

At the end of the day, if you are with someone who won’t commit to you, that doesn’t feel great. The explanation above may help you sort out what is going on, so you can make a decision to stay or go. If you can’t make a decision, give me a call at 323-999-1537, or email me at amy@thrivetherapyla.com, and set up your free consultation where we can talk about what is going on for you and how I can help. I want you to be able to have the healthy, loving, and supportive relationship you deserve!