The Holidays are always stressful, but this year the issues are different. This holiday season we are also dealing with Covid-19.

First there’s the usual holiday stuff: buying gifts, drama at work, and dealing with family dynamics—mainly, how to deal with the fact that you feel like you’re 12 years old the minute you step in the door of your family home. And after eight months quarantined at home, nobody is in their best mood to begin with.

Then there’s the additional stress of Covid-19. Who might have been exposed? Who might give it to grandma, or to immuno-compromised Uncle Joe? How long should everyone quarantine before getting together, and if and when should everyone be tested?

This year many of us have family we won’t be able to see. Either they are worried about exposure during traveling, or they are worried about exposing other family members if they do come. Some of us have loved ones who are sick at home or in the hospital. This can make all of the other holiday issues pale in comparison.

As we narrow in on Thanksgiving, it’s important to think ahead about what we can do now to be in a good position to enjoy the holidays for the next 2 months.

Let’s keep it simple! Just remember these 3 things, and you should be in good shape!

1.Get Enough Sleep

It’s such a simple thing, and so easily discounted.

Without enough sleep, there is no way you can successfully regulate your emotions. When I haven’t had enough sleep, I don’t always feel tired—I often feel cranky instead. I snap easily, and I can’t focus or think clearly. It’s a recipe for disaster. Your experience may be similar.

My own strategy:

I’m a night owl— I see clients until 9pm, and then often work or write for a couple of hours after. To wind down, I love to lose myself in a good tv show. It’s the best way for me to get out of my own head and give myself a little reward (this is the story I tell myself, anyway!)

What I know is that it is unhealthy to have screen time just before bed; it can upset your circadian rhythm and disturb your sleep. This is the time of year where I try to be really disciplined about screen time at night in the name of pure survival. I make sure I have several good books on hand—something psychology-related, a mystery, historical fiction, light humor. That way I can choose something to read each night that fits my mood. I also have one of those tiny book lights so that I can both set the mood with low light and also turn it off by barely moving when I drop off to sleep while reading!

Plugging your phone in across the room before you get into bed is another trick that helps reduce the temptation to check your Instagram just one more time, and it also helps you get up in the morning because you have to walk across the room to turn off your alarm.

I also like reading my Kindle paperwhite—even though it’s a screen, it looks like paper, it doesn’t emit the same blue light as a phone or laptop, and I can make the backlight quite low. That way I can order books on the library app, Libby, and not even have to pay for them. If you don’t have this app already, you should check it out!

You can also “take out” audiobooks on Libby. Audiobooks can be a great way to end your day as you fall asleep, and they are also helpful if you wake up in the middle of the night. I find that listening to an interesting book when I wake up at 2 am can sometimes be enough to engage my spinning mind on something other than my “To Do” list, or all the things I wish I’d done differently (my usual go-to thoughts at 2am!)

2.Stay Present

At holiday times we tend to do things the way we have always done them. I’m not talking about tradition, I’m talking about habit.

Habit drives over 80% of our actions, and if you are spending time with family, you may be subject not only to your current habits, but also the habits you had back when you were living at home as a child.

For example, if you are used to being the person in the family who makes sure everyone is happy, also check in with yourself to see what you need. It’s not selfish to take that 3-mile run in the afternoon when everyone else is cooking—and it will improve both your physical and your mental health! Allow yourself to do some things that you want to do, even if there is push-back from some family members. (A lot of families are really good with passive-aggressive guilt trips!)

Habits can also be emotional. Do you always argue about a specific topic when you are home? Whether it’s politics, your choice of a career, or how much you are eating and drinking, you don’t have to defend yourself. You can just listen and nod, and know in your heart that your choices are totally okay for you to make. There can be no argument if you don’t defend yourself or blame the other person (counterattack). Consider saying, “you might be right.” And just leave it at that. This one phrase has disarmed many an argumentative family member, and it probably won’t compromise your values either.

When you feel your heart race, or your throat tighten, or your stomach hurt every time you are in a specific situation, that can be a signal for an emotional habit. Look for those feelings in your body as a time to check in with yourself about what you need to stay calm. Maybe a short break from the family will help you gather your thoughts and emotions and remember that you don’t have to defend yourself if you haven’t done anything wrong!

If staying present with your family is hard to do because your family is, well,….nuts, then read this article to understand more about family dynamics and how to cope!

3. Let Go

Plan the things that are important and let the rest go. This works best when you spend some time beforehand really isolating the critical factors for your holiday. Think about your core values, and what best expresses them this month. Keep the list short!

The most important thing for me at Christmas is for the family to feel connected and supported.

I learned long ago that producing a perfect Christmas dinner was not what really made people feel connected. We had a much better outcome when we spent the day cooking together and some things turned out badly (Mom, I forgot the sugar in the pie!), compared to when I did everything myself in my own overly-detailed way in order to make everything “perfect”. (I also buy frozen pies as a back-up!)

Identify the truly important things, and let everything else happen as it may.

Some of the things that I’ve learned over time are not important:

*Perfect gifts

*Perfect Christmas party

*Perfect wrapping

*Perfect outfit (or hair, nails, etc)

*Perfect Insta photos

Some of the things that are important:

* Connecting with people you don’t normally see.

Sometimes that means just hanging out. Even if everyone is doing something different, it can be nice to all do it in proximity. This only works if you also spend some quality time connecting as well—otherwise it can be a source of resentment.

Quality time with loved ones--hiking or going on walks or bike rides can be fun and they’re outside where it’s less risky for covid. Even if it’s cold and snowy back where your family lives, it’s always nice to get outside a bit.

*Traditions—both small and large. If you don’t have many, see what you could start! Maybe you all make one specific meal together, or maybe it’s a family game, or maybe you watch the same movie together every Christmas. See if you can find something your family has enjoyed doing together before, and expand on that, or even just repeat it to set in motion a new tradition!

*Photos: A couple of candid shots that portray the feeling of the moment. Just a few, or you will end up as the photographer, not the participant! Take the photos you would take even if you weren’t going to post them on your social media.

Keep your list short! When you start to stress about something, remember to ask yourself, “Is it on my short list?” 

Trust me—you will be surprised at what you won’t miss if you take a risk and let it go!

To Summarize:

The holidays can be a complicated time. Exciting but nerve-wracking, sometimes joyful and sometimes disappointing, exhausting but sentimental.

In order to show up prepared to maximize the good parts and minimize the parts that are more challenging, remember to get enough sleep, stay present so you don’t fall into old habits, and let go of the things you can’t do anything about. My own version of the Serenity Prayer!

Happy Holidays to All!

Could You Use Some Extra Help Navigating the Holiday Stress?

Therapy can be a great way to learn the tools to manage both your stress and your interactions with your family. In just a few sessions you can learn the tools that will help you feel calmer and more self-assured in the midst of all the holiday chaos! For your FREE consultation about how therapy can help you, call me at 323-999-1537, or email me at amy@thrivetherapyla.com. I look forward to talking to you!