This time you want to Get. It. Right.

You are so tired of dating the same wrong guy. What’s that about, anyway?

The idea of getting back on the dating apps really makes you want to vomit. But how are you ever going to meet someone any other way? Or should you spend some time “working on yourself” before getting out there again? That seems a whole lot safer, at least.

The Relationship Post-Mortem

If you recently broke up after a long-term relationship, it’s worth figuring out what happened.

The way you are in relationships is the way you are in relationships, and nothing will change unless you take a minute to figure out which parts of your usual relationship dynamic you would like to keep, and which parts you would like to change. You might not be able to work on them a whole lot until you are in a new relationship, but at least you can start the next one with your eyes wide open and your relationship toolbox full of new tools!

COVID-19 UPDATE: I’ve been offering online therapy to individuals and couples for years! Click here to learn all about just how easy it is to do therapy from your home while you shelter in place!

Blogs For All My Single Ladies (And Gentlemen)

Why Do We Date The Wrong Person

“Whelming” - Online Dating Tips And Faux Pas

Do Dating Apps Make It Harder To Find “The One”?

How To Minimize The Pain Of Online Dating

Dating Advice From 1958

Is Your Phone Ruining Your Relationship And Peace Of Mind?

Here are some of the steps we will take to see what went wrong in your previous relationship(s) and get you on the road to building a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship the next time around:

1.Feelings.

We will start with your feelings. When were you most unhappy in your relationship? When did you feel frustrated that you couldn’t change even when you tried? We will determine where the unhealthy relationship patterns show up in your relationships time and time again.

2.History

We will explore your history to see where these patterns came from, so that you can feel better about how you came to behave this way in your relationships. We all have ways of coping that we developed as young children, and they generally worked pretty well for us back then. As adults we tend to still respond to the world in the same way, and it can be much less useful, even dysfunctional.

For example - if your pattern as a child was to stay under the radar to avoid getting blamed for things, then you may be extremely uncomfortable when your partner is upset, and withdraw emotionally. This often makes partners frustrated and even more angry.

If you were the “good child” who kept everyone happy, you may have trouble expressing your needs in your relationship, and resentment will build up silently but powerfully.

Maybe you grew up in a big family, or a family with narcissistic parents, and you had to always look out for yourself. This might make it hard for you to see relationships as anything but a zero-sum game. If your partner gets their needs met, it means you will have to give something up.

3.Repair

We will work to repair some of those early wounds, so that you will be able to change the patterns that don’t work for you. For this step I often use a method called AF-EMDR, which you can read more about here. Clients generally love doing this work; it builds not only understanding but also self-compassion and self-confidence.

4.Try, Try Again

Now it’s time to experiment, if you are ready! Maybe this means getting on the dating apps, but maybe it just means exploring other interests, building a meaningful life that you love, and trusting that you will meet some wonderful people along the way.

I’m Amy McManus, and I offer therapy both in my office in Los Angeles, and online anywhere in California.

Dating again can be nerve-wracking, but I will be with you every step of the way. Clients love that I am radically honest when they are dating- Yes, it’s okay that he hasn’t asked you out again by now; No, you can’t ask him to take down photos from his Insta yet; Yes, it’s a red flag that he hasn’t been in a serious relationship for 5 years, let’s keep our eyes open on that…etc.

I also teach my clients tools to manage the anxiety that inevitably goes along with dating again. We use CBT, mindfulness, EMDR, and some other non-traditional techniques to manage anxiety that are all quite successful. We’ll find one that works for you!

And when you find that special someone, and are blissfully enjoying the “honeymoon stage”, I will keep on the lookout for you for red flags, so that you don’t miss something that will be more of a problem down the road.

An Example: Katherine’s Story

Katherine (not her real name!) came to me after a bad breakup. She was devastated and felt broken and alone. She was successful at work and had a good, supportive friend group, but was afraid that she would never have the kind of loving relationship she so desperately wanted.

We spent some time processing all the feelings. A bad breakup is a loss, and just like any loss there is a period of grieving that needs to be honored.

When we looked at Katherine’s history we saw that she was always the responsible one in her family, often even more than her mother and father, who both turned to her for guidance on a regular basis. All her life, when something when wrong in the family, it was her job to fix it. Naturally, when things started to break down in her relationship, she felt it was her responsibility to fix that, too. Her own needs never had a part in this story.

We spent some time processing the issues from her childhood, and eventually she was ready to date again. After a number of months and dates with different people, Katherine met a guy she really cared for. Katherine found it challenging to respectfully ask for her needs to be met, but she did it anyway, and the results were very positive. She also had picked a guy who didn’t know how to talk about his emotions, and she showed him, bit by bit, that it was safe to share with her.

After weeks of agonizing about whether they were actually a couple or not, she came to a session with a huge smile on her face, saying they had had such a wonderful, open and vulnerable conversation last weekend, and she felt so completely connected to him. She is sure he told her things he has never told anyone else. She realized that she was now very secure in their relationship. At the end of the day, a deep connection is way more reassuring than a label.

Katherine and her new guy have been together for quite a while now, and are talking seriously about a future together. Katherine tells me that the therapy she did before she met him was absolutely invaluable in creating this new healthy relationship.