Dating When You Live With Your Parents

Is Dating From Home a Complete Oxymoron?

Problems with Dating When You Live At Home:

1.     You feel like a loser and have trouble mustering the energy to scan those annoying apps.

2.     You’re afraid to tell anyone you are dating that you live at home, so you have to always meet at their place.

3.     When you finally decide you want to have a relationship with someone, you feel kinda skeezy because you haven’t told them already. And what if it’s a deal-breaker for them?

4.     What about sex? How are you supposed to have sex when your parents are just down the hall? So high school.

5.     You live at home and can’t imagine how much worse it would be to live somewhere you could actually afford. As much as you are not crazy about living at home, the alternative is worse!

How Can I Fix This?

1. Be Confident About Your Decision

The first thing is to do is to work on feeling okay about living at home. Clarifying your goals will help you feel confident that living at home is the right choice for you right now.

If you are living at home to save money, ask yourself if you are actually working toward saving enough money to be able to live on your own in a while. Are you saving up for a big purchase like a car, or even a down payment on a house? If that is your goal, are you making regular payments into your savings account…or are you buying $18 drinks every night after work, and having your dinner out or delivered most evenings?

If you are living at home while you are in-between jobs, are you actively searching for your next employment?

If you are living at home while you go to grad school, are you working hard to do well and get high marks?

If you are living at home to help sick or aging parents, that is an honorable reason that anyone can understand. Home healthcare is very expensive and adult children are taking on that role more and more.

If you can answer “yes” to these questions, then living at home probably makes sense in today’s world of low starting salaries and crazy high rents. If you know that your choice to move back home is logical and you have been working toward your goal, then you can be proud to explain to your friends and dates why you have made that choice.

Don’t forget that over one-third of Millennials now live with their parents. If you are one of them, you are in good company! Living at home can be both a necessary and a good option for several months or even several years, depending on your situation.

So now I feel better about living at home. How do I maintain a relationship?

2. Negotiate the Ground Rules With Your Family

Are you the first in your immediate family? Lucky you—you get to establish the ground rules! If you are not the first, there may already be a precedent about bringing dates home. Either way it is best to have a specific discussion with your parents about this.

The first thing to discuss, if you haven’t already, is what are the expectations for your life as part of the household. Things to cover are:

 **Grocery shopping and meals—who does what and how often?

 **Chores—again, who does what and how often. Chores

 **Schedule—how are you going to let each other know your basic schedule? How detailed does that information need to be. This is important: when you are a kid your parents had a clear idea of your schedule, and could often decide themselves what your schedule would be.

 Now that you are an adult you will set your own schedule, but it is a matter of courtesy to let the people you are living with have a basic idea of when you will be coming and going. Your parents should be able to do the same for you.

 Basic subjects to cover are when you will be working, when you will do chores —it’s hard for them to cook dinner if that is the time you have chosen to clean the frig—, and when you are each planning to entertain—It’s hard for you to do your laundry if the machines are in the kitchen and they are having dinner guests. Bad news if you need that dirty shirt for work tomorrow!

 3. Dating, Relationships, and Sex

 Now for the nitty-gritty!

 Scheduling:

If you’ve already hammered out the scheduling issues (see above) then hopefully you won’t be planning on bringing home a date when your dad is walking around in his boxers or it’s otherwise going to be awkward that someone new is suddenly in the living room. And you sure as hell don’t want to burst in when your parents are having a romantic evening. Timing is everything!

Dates:

When you bring dates home, it is good to give your parents a heads up beforehand. If you are going out with someone that you might bring home, tell your parents so they won’t be completely surprised. This is just to inform them, not to ask their permission. When they are having people over they should be giving you a heads up as well.

When you come in the house, don’t just sneak into your room (a temptation for many of you!) but introduce them to your parents. Nobody likes to know that a stranger is in their house when they haven’t met them.

If you are bringing the same person home regularly, take the time to sit and talk with your parents with your date. Let your parents get to know them, too.

Hookups:

Your parents may not understand the hookup culture, it’s probably not part of their dating experience, so be aware of that.

Tell your parents before you go out that you might bring someone home after they are in bed, but that person will be gone before they wake up. That’s really all they need to know. Also, if this person is someone you don’t really know, then make sure they are gone before you fall asleep. Walk them to the door. (Yes, some people don’t actually know this). Having a stranger potentially tiptoeing around your house in the night is creepy for everyone.

Your Parents:

Are your parents embarrassing? Um, of course they are! But here’s the good news: your date has parents, too. They will understand the concept.

Let your date know what to expect from your parents. They don’t have to be best friends, just meet each other and be considerate. The truth is, it’s probably much easier for your date to like your parents than it is for you—no baggage!

Still Need Help With Feeling Good About Yourself When You Live At Home?

Therapy can help! Living at home is a necessity for so many young adults these days—you are not alone! I offer a free phone or in-office consultation where we can chat about your situation and how therapy can help you feel better and achieve your goals. Give me a call at 323-999-1537 or email me at amy@thrivetherapyla.com and schedule your free consultation today!