How to Survive Working from Home

Be Careful What You Wish For—Working From Home Can Drive You Nuts!

 So many of us are staying at home now to protect our health and the health of others.

The problem with working from home, as we all are beginning to realize, is that while it may protect our physical health, it can take a real toll on our mental health. Isolation can lead to loneliness and depression, and can trigger addictions and eating disorders. Isolation with a partner can strain relationships much more than you might realize—until you are suddenly caught in this situation.

When You’re Home Alone

It’s one thing to choose to work from home because you love avoiding the commute, or because that one co-worker won’t shut up and let you get some work done. Ever since open office design took hold, people have been trying to find ways to work at home…

Working at home can be liberating— your schedule is usually a lot more flexible, and you can choose what time to go to the gym or meet a friend for lunch.

But when you are forced to work from home, for what looks like it might become an extended period of time, and the whole world is practicing “social distancing”, those long days isolated at home are no longer punctuated by social connection.

Nobody is going to Starbucks with their laptop in order to have a change of pace, and the gym is an incubator for germs. There aren’t many opportunities to connect with others IRL, and those opportunities are going to become less and less over the next few months.

COVID-19 UPDATE: I’ve been offering online therapy to individuals and couples for years! Click here to learn all about just how easy it is to do therapy from your home while you shelter in place!

 Pitfalls of Working from Home Alone:

 PITFALL #1: Loneliness and Depression

Even if you are more of an introvert, like I am, and enjoy spending time alone, this constant isolation can be disheartening, if not downright depressing. Here are some things you can do to mitigate the effects of the isolation:

1.Keep a Regular Schedule

I know you are going to say sure, sure, I’ll do this, and then go ahead and stay up late bingeing Netflix because you know you can sleep in in the morning. This is truly a mistake. If you’ve been doing this (and I’m sure that 90% of us are guilty, especially with the recent time change making it difficult to go to sleep at the regular time) then do your best to get back to a more regular schedule. You should be able to get some extra sleep anyway because you no longer have a commute.

Studies show that having a regular schedule is important for good quality sleep, and we know that getting good quality sleep is one of the very best things you can do for mood regulation. Think how much harder it is to stay calm in a tense situation if you haven’t had enough sleep!

2.Keep Up Appearances

Make your bed each morning, get dressed, keep your home tidy-ish.

Why is this important? Sure it is nice to take advantage of meetings via Zoom and stay in pajama bottoms all day! Yes and no. It is kind of fun to wear pajama bottoms to a meeting—feels a bit like playing hooky—but if you consistently allow yourself to be “ultra-casual” it starts to feel like “sloppy” and then it starts to erode your self-esteem.

I know this sounds simplistic.

How can making your bed each morning make a difference? How can getting dressed make me feel better about myself? If you’re skeptical, I get it. Why don’t you just try it for a week and see if it makes a difference? If it doesn’t, no harm no foul. But if it does….  There’s a reason why Admiral William McRaven’s speech about the importance of making your bed has nine million views!

If you become clinically depressed, just getting out of bed can be a victory. If you have reached this point already, please please please seek some professional help! You can always call or email me and I will help you find a therapist in your area. You only have to reach out once and I will find someone for you—I promise!!

You can also use a therapy directory like Therapy Den, which is a great way to find a therapist who is unbiased and able to help you with issues of our modern world. In addition to depression, they filter for issues like sex-positive and kink-aware; body-positive; culturally-sensitive; and many, many others.

3.Stay Connected

And I don’t mean on your Instagram! Get on FaceTime or Skype and talk to people. Schedule a time each day to connect with someone you care about. Set an alarm!! I can’t emphasize enough how important this is. Connect with someone in real time with your voice and/or face, NOT just texting.

Don’t forget that almost everyone else in your network is also stuck at home; don’t think you are bothering them—you will be doing them a favor by connecting with them on a more personal level. For all you know, yours may be the call that keeps someone else from sinking into a depression.

4.Exercise

Get outside to get some exercise if at all possible. Fresh air and exercise are important for both your physical and mental health. Get outside and go for a walk each day. Make it a habit. Set an alarm—it’s so easy to let the day get away from you, and then you are too tired or it’s too late and you end up not doing it.

5.Stay Productive

Being productive tends to lift your mood. (and your salary!) Hubspot has a great blog post about 20 ways to be more productive when you work from home. If social media regularly distracts you during the workday, make sure you log out of all social media apps, and move them all to a folder on the second or third page of your phone’s screen. That way you will have to work harder to get to them. Yes, it does help! Read more about How to Stop Wasting Time On Social Media if this is your issue.

 PITFALL #2: Addictive Behavior

In this category I put anything that you use to ignore feelings or calm yourself down, that has become a problem for you or is getting in the way of your daily life—preventing you from doing your job, connecting with others, or taking care of yourself properly. This can apply to drugs and alcohol, but also to overeating, over-exercising, bingeing tv, or even obsessive thinking.

1. Twelve-Step Meetings

There are so many different kinds of 12-step programs you may not be aware of. Besides AA there’s NA (Narcotics), GA (Gamblers), OA (Overeaters), SA (Sexaholics) and others. There are auxiliary groups for friends and family members like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon and CoDA (Co-dependents). There is also a group for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA, or ACA).

If you have any kind of addictive behavior, even one that is not listed above, you can benefit from attending meetings of one of these groups. You don’t have to participate, you can just sit in the back and say nothing. The meetings are all very welcoming and accepting.

If you are not in a high-risk group for covid-19, ask your doctor about the risk of attending a 12-step meeting in person. If going to a meeting in person is not an option, then look into online meetings here.

 If you go to a meeting, get the phone list. You don’t ever have to use it, but be sure to take one!! These lists are invaluable! They are the names of members who welcome a phone call from any other member. One of the tenants of 12-step programs is “service”, and long-time members know that by putting their names on the phone list they are helping themselves as much as they are helping you.

 Again, if you want to limit your exposure to others, get a list of online meetings here.

2.Get a Buddy

If you have a friend who has their own addictive behavior, you could hold each other accountable. Studies have shown that a simple email check-in at the end of the day can help you stay on track.

3.Bad Habits - Make a positive goal

If your issue is more of a bad habit than a full-blown addiction, you can benefit from habit-changing practices. Even if you are addicted to drugs or alcohol, building some positive habits like exercising can be helpful in keeping you clean and sober. You can also use habit-building skills to create a habit of going to 12-step meetings!

Instead of having a negative goal, like “don’t mindlessly eat a box of cookies at 11pm each night” have a positive goal like, “drink a cup of chamomile tea or golden milk every night”. Replacing habits is much more effective than eliminating them.

Join an online group to help you stick to your goal. There are apps you can use like StikK, to help you stay on track. They use research-based methods like getting social support, having a referee, and making a monetary commitment, to help you reach your goals.

4. Get Professional Help

If you are comfortable with it, ask your friends if they know of a good therapist. That’s one of the best ways to find someone who might be a good fit. You can also use a therapy directory like Therapy Den, which is a great way to find a therapist who is unbiased and able to help you with issues of our modern world. In addition to addiction counseling, they filter for issues like sex-positive and kink-aware; body-positive; culturally-sensitive; internet addiction; and many, many others.

 When You’re Home with Others

The internet is full of “Tips for Working From Home”. The assumption is usually that you are the only one working from home—not that you and your partner are both on an enforced “stay away from the office” mandate. Or that you are forced to work from home along with your roommates.

Suddenly being forced to work from home with others can be a real challenge. I am going to focus on the challenges of working at home with a partner, but many of these suggestions can be used if you are working from home with roommates.

Here are some concrete things you can do to reduce arguments and bad feelings if you are working at home with a partner:

1. Claim Your Territory

This is an issue that most couples eventually argue over, so don’t neglect it, even if it seems like it isn’t necessary at first. Get this resolved before it becomes an issue!

If your place is tiny, each of you needs to find a corner where you can sit at a table or desk that is all your own. The bed does not count! If either or both of you needs to be able to attend meetings via video-conferencing, you will need to consider the background as well. This may help you decide who gets which space.

Some places are small enough that one of you has to use the dining table for their desk. If this is the case, have some very clear rules about how the table is to be used. What happens at the end of the day? Find a place where you can move your stuff before dinner, where it will be neatly organized and easy to start up working again the next day. Make rules about meals during the day—can they take place somewhere other than the dining table, so that the table is exclusively “your desk” during the day? It is important to have the feeling you are “at work” and not “at home” in order to be both productive and happy!

2.Timing

Discuss schedules with your partner. If they are a night owl and you are a morning person, can you set up desks outside of the bedroom, so that you won’t disturb each other when you are sleeping?

It is important to have a somewhat regular schedule for reasons both of productivity and mood. At first it may be tempting to be casual about when you work and when you don’t, but over time this will become more and more of a problem, so set up a schedule from the get-go, and if you want to be less rigid about it at the beginning that’s fine, at least you will have the structure when you need it later.

Make sure you plan out when you will each be working, and also the times you will spend together. Determine if you will spend time together in the middle of the workday. Will you have lunch together? Take a break mid-afternoon? Setting expectations beforehand will help avoid a lot of conflict later. You don’t have to decide beforehand if that break will be to take a walk, watch a show, or have sex, just whether or not you will take a break at all. So many people love taking a break in the afternoon, but their partners like to stay in the flow and work straight through to the end of the day. Make sure you respect each other’s daily rhythms.

3.Alone time

Everyone needs some alone time. We all have different needs for alone time, and it helps to be aware of both your own needs and your partner’s needs. Be sure to discuss this with each other!!! You may think that it will be okay, you’ll just retreat to the bedroom if you need some alone time, but it’s very likely your partner may misinterpret that and think you are upset with them.

If you are each able to have a separate “office” in the house, decide what the rules are for interrupting each other. You may be surprised to learn that while you think it’s obvious that you don’t talk to each other until lunch, they prefer constant interaction throughout the morning.

When you are working from home together in a small apartment this can be especially challenging. You may need to arrange to go for a run or some other errand each day in order to give each other some alone time at home. Everyone needs alone time at home!

4.Communication

If you and your partner have trouble communicating, then working at home together is going to exacerbate the problem. Do some work to learn some communication skills right away, before the problems start.

Couples counseling is a great idea, even for couples that don’t argue that much. If there are things about you that you don’t think your partner understands, or if it seems they just don’t hear you when you try to tell them that you need some alone time each day, then it’s time to think about getting some counseling.

Again, asking friends for a recommendation can be a great way to find a counselor, but not everyone is comfortable with this. You can use a therapy directory like Therapy Den, which is a great way to find a therapist who is unbiased and able to help you with issues of our modern world. If you are interested in a particular type of couples therapy, like Gottman, PACT, or EFT, they have filters for that as well.

Please also feel free to contact me at amy@thrivetherapyla.com, and I will be happy to help you find a therapist in your area.

Please know that many therapists offer online couples therapy if you prefer the convenience and safety of staying at home. I have done online couples therapy for years, and many people find it very effective and efficient.

Too Much Info!! Amy, Can You Help Me Figure it All Out?

Of course!!! I offer a free 20-minute consultation, so please call me at 323-999-1537, or email me at amy@thrivetherapyla.com, and I will make sure you get the help you need!