Do You Have Relationship ADHD?

Your Distractedness Is Probably Having A Negative Impact On Your Relationships.

I’ve been writing for years about how your smartphone can make you unhappy, and how it can have a negative impact on your productivity (which can, in turn, also make you more anxious and unhappy!) But can your smartphone also have a negative impact on your relationships without you even realizing it?

What Stanford Business School Can Teach Us About Our Relationships

Nir Eyal, a graduate and instructor at Stanford School of Business, tells us that the ability to focus our attention is one of the critical skills that will determine our success in the working world of the future. He tells us that “Attention, it appears, seems to be the ultimate scarce resource in today’s economy.”

But wait, I feel more productive when I focus on several things at once!

A decade ago we started to really embrace the idea of multi-tasking. It sounded like a good thing—get more things done all at the same time! Laptops and then iphones, introduced in 2007, made multi-tasking not only easier, but the norm. We can watch an interactive map in real-time while we are driving; text partners and kids while we are in a meeting and can’t talk out loud; go through our email while standing in the grocery line. That’s a good thing, right?

Research conducted by the late Clifford Nass, professor of communications at Stanford University, and others, shows that multi-taskers actually perform worse on cognitive tasks than people who do not routinely multi-task. Multi-taskers even perform worse at multi-tasking!

So the ability to focus is important for safety and performance, but…

Can our ability to focus also affect our relationships?

It can and it does.

In many couples I see in my therapy practice, one person struggles with ADHD. That can be very challenging for the other partner, and can put a real strain on the relationship.

What about the rest of us?

These days we are so easily distracted by our electronics that even if you don’t have ADHD, your inability to focus can negatively affect your relationships. Smartphones have been designed by teams of people who were specifically working to make them eye-catching and compelling. Think about those bright red notifications that tell you you have another message. How long can you ignore that? And can you ever tear your eyes away from those 3 dots of doom that tell you someone is composing a response?

Time and time again I have found that couples argue over how much time one of them spends on their phone. It goes like this:

What Partner A does:

Partner A is maybe bored, or lonely, or even overworked and needing some play time. Partner A wants the attention of partner B, who makes some pretense of paying attention, but is actually more interested in what is happening on Instagram or Twitter. Partner A feels ignored and Partner B feels criticized. Often the first partner will passive-aggressively make their partner feel shallow for spending time on social media, rather than directly stating the real reason they are upset—they aren’t getting the attention they desire—because that feels too vulnerable.

This creates the very popular couple dynamic I call “arguing about the thing that is not the thing”. I’m sure you know what I mean. One person’s need for alone time and another person’s need for attention quickly becomes an argument about the virtues of social media.

These arguments go nowhere because they aren’t addressing the real issue.

What’s going on with Partner B?

Many people actually use their phones to create some personal space around themselves—especially at the end of the day, when they are tired from a long day at work. Rather than ask for the separate quiet time they actually want and need, they agree to spend time with their partner, but then focus on their phone and largely tune their partner out. Typically their partner will complain about this, and they will argue that they are able to focus on both. Often they honestly believe that they are able to give their attention to both, but their partner is never fooled, and this is the cause for much friction.

Now that many couples are spending all day working at home together during the quarantine, I’ve noticed that this dynamic can be even stronger. In addition to using the phone to create some personal space, it also serves a need to feel connected to others after spending the whole day isolated at home.

This behavior has become so natural for many couples that all of their interactions are peppered by one or the other partner spending time on their phone. This lack of direct focus on the couple’s interactions creates frustration and erodes the connection they once had.

How do we reverse this trend?

The first thing to do is to address the need for individual alone time in a separate room, where there is no judgment about how you are spending your time. Discuss this together to find a solution that works for both of you. Maybe whoever is needing more connection can plan to go for a social-distancing walk or drink with a friend at the end of the workday, while the other partner relaxes at home watching cat videos (no one needs to know!)

Secondly there needs to be time for togetherness without technology. If just sitting and talking is too awkward at first, and don’t be surprised, this is often the case, then doing something together like walking the dog or making the dinner together can work—but no phones and no tv.

It’s amazing how much of a difference these two simple changes can make.

My GenZ clients (also known as iGen, for the obvious reason!) have a much lower expectation of full attention from their partner. Full attention is just something they have rarely experienced! It remains to be seen what effect this sensibility will have on relationships of the future, but the adult relationships of today still require both time apart, and time together fully focused on one another.

Could You Use Some Extra Help Making Your Relationship Work Better?

I work with both couples and individuals to develop skills to build healthy relationships. You can do therapy with your partner or on your own and learn to create the healthy, loving, supportive relationship you dream of having! Call or email me for your free consultation to learn how therapy can work for you!